Vices. Vices. (and a dresser)

Every winter brings out my worst anxieties.

Last year, I stifled my anxiety in thoughts about marriage, and tried to find some comfort in thinking that my collapsing college world could all be solved if poor josh and I just tied the knot.
This year- although not so detrimental to my relationship with my boyfriend- I have practically broken the bank buying furniture.

So far:
a dresser
a nightstand
a mirror
a quilt
a used desk

Jeez.
(Pictures to come, but I am at the office).

It's all really cute, and harmless right? It's all just for the sake of home improvement.
Right?
Yesterday I listened to a sermon about addiction. Okay, it wasn't about addiction. It was about condemnation and how God isn't angry at his children because Jesus has already died to pay for our sins, so we don't have to keep hammering into our brains that we're bad and nothing can be done about it.
But, of course, all I heard is:
Luisa, stop buying furniture.
But I can't God! I thought, I JUST CAN'T! One more thing! Just one more! Please! Please! Please!
I still need:

Shelves
paint for the desk
knobs for the desk
a headboard
maybe a new bed
maybe some coat racks
maybe maybe maybe

AH!
When does it end?
At first, it was all in good fun, really. But now, I am feeling a little trapped in the rolling avalanche of STUFF that I continue to charge away on my credit card. And I am ashamed, let me tell you. Because I don't want to lose anyone (especially josh's) respect by telling people what I really am:
addicted.

UGH.
It's so much easier to think about furniture than about graduation, and that little gnawing pain inside myself that says: you're life is different than it used to be. You're stuck in an office, you're working 8-5, you're doing data entry, you're not actively involved in a community, you've become what you always hated, and you're stuck here, until God says move.

And would I dare pray for God to move me? No. I spent an entire fall praying that God would change my circumstances, and then learned, that sometimes, circumstances stay the same.

Not that I am hopeless. But, I am taking it out on my finances.
In two weeks, I have to pay my first college loan payment. And I am terrified. I have no control over this loan. It's huge, and a giant monster, and it has trapped me into being forced to have a desk job (which is really the nicest desk job you could ask for, but still a desk job). If I had no loan, I would have moved to Texas, or California, or maybe back to Florida (don't tell my mom).
But I have a loan, and so I have this job, and I have this job, and so I have these anxieties.

Get me outta here.

Yesterday, I saw a close friend (whom I'll call Jannette, even though I have no close friends named Jannette) exhibit her anxieties in a very real way. She was supposed to follow through with something, and it would have been a good thing, but at the last minute, her fears took over, and she didn't. That's so vague. But Jannette wouldn't want me telling you that instead of going out to meet new people, she made herself completely ill and stayed home.

She just sat there, stifled.

God, I don't want us stuck in the muck that is ourselves.

Do I judge Jannette? What are you kidding me? At least she sat at home on a couch that was free. I went into my room and sat in front of my PURCHASED dresser, and thought to myself: My God, we are all hiding in something.