heel prison.

I remember that becoming a Christian was an awakening for many reasons. But one night, as I was sitting out on the lawn of my apartment building, waiting for the breeze to pass- I remember the main reason that becoming a Christian rocked my world.

Hunched over, pressing my knees to my chest, eyes closed, I experienced the weirdest and greatest thing I ever have in my entire life:

God Talks.

Yeah, that's what I said.

And my life was never the same. For some reason, the thought that the God of all the universe could somehow communicate with me via thoughts, or the bible, or billboards, or other people, became an object of obsession. From then on, I thought, I pleaded:
GOD, PLEASE TALK. THAT IS SO COOL.


If you're not a Christian right now, you think I am crazy. Actually, even if you are a Christian, you might think I am crazy. But God has been talking to me a lot lately. I know some people think God doesn't care about the little things in our lives- but he does. He often proves he does when we least expect it. Although, he doesn't have to prove anything.
But he's God like that.

So, yesterday I am feeling down and bummed and miserable. I have been stuck in the house for six hours, the sun is not shining, and in a great vat of self-pity, all I can think about is how hard life has been post-grad. So, naturally, what do I do?

DSW.

If you don't know what DSW is, it's because you're a man.

DSW is the mecca of shoes. If you want a shoe, you can find it at DSW. They even have men's shoes. They have blue shoes, brown shoes, boots, heels, funny shoes, serious shoes, shoes on sale, shoes in leather, shoes in wicker, shoes that feel good, shoes that feel awful- but look good. Every shoe you could possibly imagine, and then some more on clearance.

Yes, I went to the shoe store.

And on the way, I felt so bad. I mean, the whole way there I kept hearing a voice inside of me saying: What are you doing? Why are you going here? What are you looking for? What do you think buying a shoe will solve?

And you might find it ridiculous, but for me, it's equivalent to alcohol or some strong narcotic. In the moment, buying a shoe will solve everything. It will make me feel better, it will give me a piece of identity for a few hours, and when I wear it for the first time I will feel NEW, just like my shoe.

Everybody wants to feel new.

But yesterday, I just felt bad. I just felt the voice of something inside saying: turn back, the more you buy, the more you own, the more you own, the more you are owned.
Life in bondage to your material possessions.

If you've never been to DSW, you don't know that in the back of the store, there is a cave-like structure, with dozens and dozens of racks filled with shoes, and this section, this cave is called: THE CLEARANCE. And in this section, as you walk through, there are full length mirrors. And the reason they put those mirrors there is so that you can pass by, assess your inadequacies, and decide that shoes will solve all of your problems.

Maybe you're just supposed to see how they look with your outfit.

But anyway, I was walking through the cave-like clearance, hearing God say to me: turn back, Luisa. You are already in debt, you already have stuff, stop buying more stuff, more stuff will not fill the emptiness inside of you. More stuff will not give you an identity. More stuff will not love you.

And I passed one of those full length mirrors, and saw my reflection. Now, mind you, women at DSW usually look pretty happy. They are galloping and skipping through the aisles, they make fairy movements. They stop, gasp at the "cuteness" of a shoe, and they pull out the box in wonder to try it on. Usually, this is me.

But not yesterday.

Instead, I passed a mirror, looked into it and saw a hunched over, frowning, baggy-eyed, dark circles version of myself. I was miserable.

And suddenly, I began to think how much I was disappointing God by looking to everything BUT him for my fulfillment. I began to realize how little faith I was having that he really was telling me the truth when he says that our material possessions will own us, and that the love of money is the beginning of many evils. So, I started to feel really down (which just makes me REALLY want to buy shoes) and I felt ashamed.

Then, a song came on overhead, one of those songs they play at retail stores that repeat the same thing over and over. And I AM NOT KIDDING. It said:

I love you. I have nothing but love for you. I can't give you anything but love.

God's voice.

And I ran out of there so fast, I mean, running-shoe fast.

And as I walked away, I thought: my God is a God of freedom. He frees me from even myself. Following him, I will never be in bondage. No matter how it appears to the outside world, I am free because I have been given the ability by God to say "no" to those things that cave people in, that make them slaves. And the power, through him, to say "yes" to those things that make us free.

:)