God, do I spend a lot of my time avoiding grieving.
I even avoid the word grieving. Ugh. It sounds like something you have to say in a support group while weeping, sobbing women stuff their noses full of tissue and reach their arms out to you in gestures of fake-niceness you can't begin to want to enjoy. Do these people even know me? You wonder.
God, I hate my own weaknesses. How I wish I could just bury them somewhere, under cement.
Either way- any kind of pain or bad feeling, I spend so much of my time preventing, avoiding, distracting myself from.
Yesterday was a sad day.
I always hesitate to write about sad days online in the fear that someday someone will bring up what they read on my blog. And on that day, I'll actually be having a good day, in fact, a great day. And when they bring it up, they will mock how I felt on that sad day- and I'll agree with them. I'll mock it too, and I'll demean what was really a very sad day.
Like, yesterday.
A very sad day.
Yesterday, I woke up and it was dark outside. And the whole world felt like it was going to crumble down. Sometimes, I think Chicago has two faces: the winter face, and the summer face.
But yesterday, it wasn't the weather.
For some reason, graduating is the arm pit of life for me. No real direction from here. Don't know where I'm going. What I'm doing. Don't know my motives. Don't know a lot. Most days, I try to live in the moment, and be thankful that I have so much.
So, why do I feel so empty?
You'd think I would compare myself to people in prison, people with cancer, people in combat overseas. Those people really have a reason to complain. They are really suffering. This is the kind of thing Cuban parents tell you: Don't complain, some people really are suffering.
But it was sad.
Some idiots tell me I should pray harder and spend more time with God. Be more holy.
I can't imagine why Jesus himself didn't think of that when he CRIED.
hmm.
Some people tell me that it will all be okay, and eventually, God will work things out in his own way, and I'll see soon enough.
I like the second answer better.
There are too many things I would like to say in reply to your post, such that I don't think I will even try right now. All I will say is that I can relate to much of this, and that being human is not something you should ever be mocked for.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, Jesus was very sad. It's okay to be sad. I think it's necessary to give your emotions their worth. But I do want to tell you that everything will be okay, in fact some day you might even miss these normal times. I don't mean to downplay or mock mourning either... but maybe this will be encouraging, just a little:
ReplyDeleteNormal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.
- Mary Jean Iron
I don't know if music helps you, but it seems to help me. I feel the same way many days, seriously, only my roommates and Ryan and my mom really know about it, but often times I wake up and feel like something is wrong. I started watching the live feed of the International House of Prayer, and sometimes keep it on while I sleep. It makes me feel a lot better to know that God is moving and God is close, and to watch a body of believers worship God 24/7 makes me feel the peace they do and helps get me into that realm of worship. Even when they are having a time where they're praying for hard issues like suicide, abortion, and war, it still gives me peace, because I know that God has everything under control. If you want to check it out go here: http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?ID=1000058181
ReplyDeleteIt's perfectly fine to be sad, and there is a time to grieve, but I don't think that is what you're describing, it sounds like you are sad, and can't figure out why? Like almost depressed? And God, doesn't want that. I'm sorry that you don't feel direction, all I can say is rest in God and He will show you. John the Baptist spent like 20 years in the desert before he started his ministry. Sometimes God wants you in the desert.
I love you.
thanks guys. I love you too.
ReplyDelete