Yesterday, I am sitting on a black leather couch at my bible study.We are watching a video about kids in Sudan being held hostage by some crazy Bush-Jungle- Man in Africa who kidnaps them during the night, and forces them to join his rebel army, arming them with machetes and BIG GUNS. I mean, big. They're called the Lord's Resistance Army (go figure, crazy murderers just love to associate themselves with God) and they are pretty ridiculous. If you can think of the craziest crimes EVER- this guy has thought of them before you, and he is definitely doing them. His thing is all about gaining spiritual power- so he controls his army by making them think he is a God (yes, this actually works) and through fear (the other thing that actually works). He's nuts, no doubt. And what he's doing sucks, no doubt.
Not to make light of that- but to be honest: the whole entire time I am watching this video (about the kids in Sudan), filled with manipulative violin music that tries to make me feel something more than what I actually do, and horrible pictures I really don't need to see in order to understand that the situation is dire- I am thinking about: GLEE.
Not that I'm heartless or anything. Honestly, I care about these kids. I am sitting there- trying so hard to make myself think about the kids. Every time my brain goes back to GLEE, I think "NO! I have to think about the kids! They are suffering!" But I can't. I just can't force myself to get angry, or force myself to feel anything about the situation. Then I think "I will be judged by all Christianity- All I can think about is GLEE. People will think I am so shallow, so not-filled-with-Jesus, so apathetic, so heartless."
So this battle is raging on inside of me and then I look over at the woman across from me. She is the epitome of a Christian woman's Christian woman. She is a stay at home mom, beyond beautiful, gorgeous (I am talking 6 feet tall, blond hair that waves but isn't frizzy, and lips that say "kiss me"). She's had 3 kids (one that is 6 weeks old!) and looks like she could put on a very revealing swimsuit, no problem. When she looks at her husband with those honey suckle eyes, you kind of want to barf.
And she starts to tear up at the video. Just a few pretty tears, and she is holding her baby and just making me feel COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS because I am thinking about whether what's-his-name on GLEE will really leave his wife for that teacher with OCD. I can't do anything in order to muster up the kind of feelings this woman is having, the kind of life she obviously lives, the way she is just sooooooo perfect that I can't even begin to describe- one of those people who is just such a CHRISTIAN.
And inside I think: "FAIL."
Total fail. You will never be like that.
You will never cry over videos about children in Africa. You will never have hair that waves without frizz, and you will never look at your husband without a hint of sarcasm in your eyes. You will never be Ms. perfect Christianity.
But then: Then, I think: And God will always, always love you anyway. And he will always have given his son for you anyway, and he will always try to make you more of who he made you to be, and not someone else. And he will never care if you cry during the video, because it doesn't make him love you more or less. He already loves you enough. And he will change whatever he chooses to change about you, so stop condemning yourself.
Oh, and I do think hot teacher will leave his wife for OCD cute dresser. No doubt.
Excellent post.
ReplyDeleteWhile I was watching the video, I was dissecting the cinematography, the graphics, and the "manipulative violin music that tries to make me feel something more than what I actually do". This is because I am reading a book that talks about the impact TV has had on our culture, and specifically in this case the way it has taught us to disassociate reality from what we see on a screen. They use music, images, etc. in movie quality, and the impact is that it is entertainment. Sad entertainment, but entertainment nonetheless, which has little bearing on our lives. We have been conditioned to see Glee, and Dancing with the Stars, and more importantly, "Television News", which jumps from topic to topic and never lets the seriousness of the topic sink in: "Thousands dead in Haiti, genocide in Uganda, and now a kitten stuck in a tree". So I can hardly fault you for being distanced from what you see on a TV screen. There is more to it but I will defer until a later time.
Another thing to realize from this is that someone who has seen such things in person (such as the American kids in the video, and possibly the woman you speak of, though I can't recall if they have been to the area yet) will then actually be connected in a personal way and be capable of more empathy.
Finally, you really shouldn't compare yourself to this conception of this "perfect" Christian woman. You barely know her or her struggles. What we did learn last night shows that she has been through a good deal of pain in life, which has likely forced her into a deeper relationship with God. Should we then bemoan the blessings that God has provided us and blame ourselves for being less in-touch with God? You hit it on the head when you said that God will love us regardless. And on the subject of beauty I don't want to wade very far into that minefield, but using the cliche "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" will suffice. Don't sell yourself short. There is no set equation that says being tall and blond is superior.
Yeah, as she talked I realized she definitely had gone through a great deal. Unfortunately, there is an attitude that I associate with the "perfect" christian, and I don't know where that came from. Thankfully, God loves her, and me the way we are. And theres really no attitude that could change that.
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